Violence and mistreatment

Bullying, threats, ostracism, hurtful comments and dirty looks. Abuse, rape, getting pornographic pics you didn’t ask for or being pictured naked against your will. Being kicked, hit or choked, ‘pretend fighting’ and assault. There are many ways to hurt someone. For some people, these things are part of everyday life. Others might never come across any of this. Some guys hurt others, some guys are the ones getting hurt. Almost all of us know a victim of violence or mistreatment. We often talk with guys who either hurt others or are the ones getting hurt, so we’re used to hearing difficult stories. These things can be hard to talk about – but talking always helps in the long run. Drop by and chat with us about anything related to violence. You don’t have to tell us who you are; we’ll always support you. We also have a support centre where you can talk to a counsellor for free. Our counsellors have a lot of experience of talking with young men about things like jealousy and violence.

Victim of violence

Unfortunately, many guys are subjected to violence or mistreatment, in different ways: at home, when hanging out with friends, online, in their neighbourhood, or even at all of these places. Being a victim of violence makes your life ‘shrink’. Many people think everything is their own fault. Maybe you’ve had thoughts like "I should just try harder to fit in" or "it’s because I’m so annoying". But other hurting you is NEVER your fault. No one has the right to mistreat or subject you to violence!

It is not your fault

It’s never your fault when someone else hurts you. Still, we know many of you have been forced to develop clever strategies to avoid getting hurt. Like hiding in your room when your dad’s drunk, taking a different route home from school, cracking a joke when tempers are flaring, or other strategies.

Common questions

Here are some of the questions we often get about violence.

Feeling jealous is pretty common. Some people don’t feel jealous that often, others feel intensely jealous a lot of the time. Jealousy has nothing to do with how in love you are: it’s a feeling that comes from inside of you, from your past experiences. When you simply notice jealousy but don’t act on it, the feeling tends to fade. If you do act on it, for example by trying to control your partner and trying to limit who they’re allowed to hang out with, jealousy usually only gets worse. And having a partner who tries to control you is hard. Do you often feel jealous? Did you do something you regret? We often talk about jealousy with guys, both in our chat and at our support centre. You can talk to a counsellor for free at our support centre.

It’s very common to feel down when something like that has happened to you. It can be hard to sleep and you might have nightmares. Or maybe you spend a lot of time thinking about what happened, or wondering whether it was your fault. Regardless of what happened to you, it’s a good idea to tell someone about it. It is never your fault when someone crosses your boundaries. Chat with us anonymously or contact our support centre, we have a lot of experience of listening to stories of trauma.

It depends. If the person you sent the picture to asked for one, there’s no problem. Some people like to exchange nudes with their crush. But it’s not okay to send a dick pic to someone who didn’t ask for it. You could actually be accused and convicted of sexual harassment. If you’re not sure whether someone would like a dick pic, don’t send one!

Subjecting others to violence or mistreatment

All of us have hurt someone else or crossed someone’s boundary at some point. Many people will apologise and try to make up for what they’ve done. But some guys don’t: instead, they might try really hard not to show any sign of regret, or even keep hurting people. It’s hard to have healthy relationships with other people if you hurt them. People won’t feel safe around you, because they’ll constantly worry you might hurt them again.
It’s common for guys who hurt their classmates or romantic partners to actually come from an abusive household themselves. Chat with us anonymously or contact our support centre if you’re worried you might be hurting others.

Knowing a victim of violence

It can be hard to know what to do if you know someone is being subjected to violence. It’s not unusual to worry about the situation, but then act like everything’s fine when you’re around the victim. But for victims, the hardest part is often actually when their friends don’t say anything: that silence makes them feel incredibly alone, like everyone is okay with what’s happening to them.
There is a lot you can do to support victims of violence. Both before, during and after the abuse. Chat with us to discover how you can help someone who’s the victim of violence.